Weighty Matters (A Four Part Series): Part 1

We all have our demons. It’s hard to share the things that scare us, that make us feel the most insecure – but sometimes you have to take a leap of faith and do things that you find scary in order to grow. Just like swimming the Chesapeake Bay was a physically scary challenge for me, and one that completely transformed my sense of self, I am publishing this series to bare a personal demon, to face a fear, and hopefully become stronger and more “balanced” as a result.

I started to write this post in early 2012.  I sat on it for a while, not really sure if I would actually publish it.  But I think the time is right. 

My approach to life is about balance, about finding health, and being as healthy as I can with the challenges I have been dealt.  Health isn’t just physical – it is mental.  And it is not just about being active – to me it is as much about what happens at home, and in particular in my kitchen.

I’ve discovered a line since doing my first triathlon in 2007 – a line I have seen but that I am not willing to cross – a line which turns my own aspirations for healthy living into something else… A line that puts me on a slippery slope to unhappiness, fast…  Sharing my line – putting myself out there to be judged (even more than usual) is scary.  But hopefully, this will enable me to move forward, healthier in head and heart, more balanced in thinking…

Me and Triathlon

I have chosen to participate in a sport – triathlon – that seems to attract people who like CONTROL.  Training for three sports, plus making sure you are strong at your core, plus making sure you eat well enough and sleep enough to make sure you have enough energy to do what you choose to do with your free time – well that requires a degree of CONTROL.

Control.
Noun. The power to influence of direct behaviour or the course of events.
Verb. Maintain influence or authority over; regulate; determine the behavouir or supervise the running of.

Source: Oxford Dictionaries Online

In my own experience I have found that training for triathlon requires me to be “in control” of all aspects of my time.

I train best when I have planned weeks and when I know my training objectives, weeks which take into consideration my work and personal life as well as my race calendar.  I love it when my schedule builds in time for both triathlon and my personal life so that I can try to do everything that I want to do. For me this means: planning my time so that I can be active in my community, planning for late working hours and business travel, planning to just make sure that I get to the gym and get my training done. 

I perform best when I hit targets – be it work deadlines, or distance / time targets in my training sessions.  But it’s not just about plans and achievements for me.  I also feel best and am happiest when I take care of myself on a personal level – so I also try to manage my down time.  I make sure that I hang out and spend quality time with DH and I try to make sure to see my friends regularly.  I prioritise sleep.  And I eat a fairly healthy diet full of fresh whole food and with regularly timed meals – a hungry Donna is not nice to see!

I guess it’s not surprising that I *like* the CONTROL aspect of triathlon – the fact that triathlon lends itself to exerting control over one’s life.  I admit it – I LIKE TO BE IN CONTROL – of my time, of the way I do things.  This manifests itself in many different ways, but in particular I like the structure of rules and plans.  Sure – there are times in my life I have rebelled against these.  But over the years I have learned that 9 times out of 10 I am happiest with a goal, with direction and with a plan to take me there – I am happiest when I feel like I am in control of my life.

One of the reasons I started taking triathlon more seriously was that it gave me a structure and plan to help me in my goal to feel stronger and healthier.  Feeling stronger and healthier was a priority – I was feeling rotten and like I was degenerating from my nerve disease CMT.  Climbing the stairs at home was becoming a challenge.  And that, quite honestly, scared the shit out of me.

Although control is comforting, it is also scary.  Control and addiction go hand in hand – and as the child of an alcoholic I know firsthand the ugly side of control.  I have my eyes open when it comes to my own control issues, and I do my best to stay “balanced” while managing my desire to BE IN CONTROL. 

I’ve seen friends fall apart when they seek to control each and every aspect of their life.  Because you just can’t control EVERYTHING.  Because of the heartbreak I’ve felt watching friends quite literally vanish when their desire to control turned into disorder, control focused on diet, weight and body image SCARES ME.

(to be continued on 27 February 2013)

One response to “Weighty Matters (A Four Part Series): Part 1”

  1. I absolutely love this post.  I feel much the same way.  I love routine and almost everyday is exactly the same and I am comfortable with that.  I am uncomfortable with the surprise as that throws me for a loop and takes me a few moments to collect myself.

    We are selling our house right now and not knowing when showings are going to happen is the current monkey wrench.

    That being said I am taking a more ‘laid-back’ approach to triathlon this year because I have one focus and that is to race IMTX as close to 11 hours as possible as a build to a Kona run in 2014.

    Spending more time with friends and family is also a big part of my ‘training’ for this year.

    Thank you for writing this.  It is awesome.

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